announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
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The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out