i’m having this made into a welcome mat
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If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.