Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
You Might Also Like
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?