writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
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GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
6: are snakes just neck?
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
This why you should mind your business
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
それは草
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.