me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
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me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”