When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
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If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?