One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
You Might Also Like
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.