just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
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me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Noah was an idiot.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.