Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
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[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name