Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
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“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
waiting for halloween be like:
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower