Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
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judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
The photographer’s assistant
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*