How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
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I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Life hack
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.