[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
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My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.