Some of y’all tomorrow …
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I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Bobby pin
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total