Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
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why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
What my back needs
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
dream blunt rotation
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”