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I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
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Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.