Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
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Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
we’re dead?
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
get you a girl who
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.