Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
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My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
Breaking news:
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Teach your children to beatbox
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”