“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
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Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
“you changed” bro i was 15
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]