tell em, edith-anne
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Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
Worth a try
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.