[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
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At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
#Caturday
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
Mornin. * use accordingly
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
Kermit goes Blue.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life