If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
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A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
Well, this explains it:
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Woke up against my better judgment again
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.