her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
You Might Also Like
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
This dude got his own movie?
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.