“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
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Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me: