my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
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ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.