Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
You Might Also Like
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?