“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
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I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?