Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
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My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
#MeanwhileInCanada
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
“I’m helping” 😅
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?