[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
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Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
goldfish mafia
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
What?
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.