Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
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If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something