“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
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Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?