the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
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Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.