We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
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it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate