Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
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If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
same energy
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.