If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
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Bring back the McRib
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
me 2 months after i graduated
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
Sunday
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
is this meant to deter me
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.