WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
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Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Yup
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.