Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
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Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic