oh shit
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me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too