“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
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In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB