[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
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Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
I’ve been drinking.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass