“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
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Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.