me hitting on a model
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I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
Ah..makes sense now
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol