We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
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Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc