*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
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There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good