I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
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Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once