Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
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there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
The devil.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.