Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
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Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.