Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
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[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Received some very disappointing news today
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
What’s a Messi?
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?