After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
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My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Labreador
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
They’re really bad with fonts.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?