Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
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I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Rambo Rambow
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
Don’t make me out nice you.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?